Another School Shooting: What Parents Can Do to Help Kids Cope

Experts explain the mental health impact of school shootings and share advice on how to help your children feel safe at school following an act of gun violence.

Article by:
Carolyn Fagan

Editor’s note: This story was first published in 2018 following the school shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida. Tragedy struck again May 24, 2022, when another teen committed another unthinkable act of violence at a Texas elementary school, taking the lives of 19 students and two teachers. Shootings have become far too common in the United States. Psycom has updated this story and republished it, far too many times.

As school shootings sadly become more commonplace, it’s hard not to wonder how they affect the children attending school. Do kids today worry more about maintaining their own safety than their math homework? Are they unable to focus, looking at pictures of victims of recent school shootings that remind them of themselves? Are they nervous towards and hyper-observant of other children that they consider to be possibly dangerous?

Whether you are a parent, relative, coach, teacher, or community member who works with and cares about students, it’s important to understand the fears and feelings children today may be struggling with. We asked experts about the effects that school shootings have on the developing brains of America’s youth and what you can do to help your family feel safe. Here’s what they want you to know.

Watch for Changes in Behavior

Children, like adults, often cycle through feelings of shock, anger, sadness, fear, and helplessness when they learn that people are dying unexpectedly and brutally at the hands of someone wielding guns. However, due to less-developed communication and emotional processing skills, children (depending on their age and stage of development) express their thoughts and feelings differently from adults.

Children may have increased nightmares, intrusive thoughts, abrupt changes in their mood, and changes in their play behavior (i.e., acting out shootings, mimicking dying, or other aspects of the school shooting, etc.).

They may also report aches and pain in their bodies following a traumatic experience. Children who are especially distressed or anxious may exhibit regressions in their development, such as increases in bedwetting, clinginess, and tantrums.

It is important to look for any changes in a child’s emotional and behavioral presentation after exposure to traumatic experiences across multiple and different contexts. How a child presents at home may not be how the child presents at daycare, the supermarket, or the playground. It would be helpful to talk to teachers about any changes in the child’s grades, ability to concentrate, or degree of engagement in social activities.
– Kathy Wu, PhD, licensed psychologist, assistant professor of psychology at Delaware Valley University in Doylestown, Pennsylvania

How to Process Tragic News

There is no making sense of this kind of loss. It will never be something we can simply soothe our kids through. Never. But it is our job to be there for them.

Process your own feelings first. Call a friend. Share your rage and frustration with your spouse or partner. Then, listen to and comfort your children. Take a break from social media. Stay off TikTok, Snap, and Instagram for now as it will likely continue exposing you and your kids to the traumatic events.

Be sure to remind your children of all the helpers in their school and community and discuss/review safety plans. Finally, avoid stigmatizing language about mental health.

Our country is in a mental health crisis. A lot of kids and teens are being treated for mental health issues right now. When you use words like “crazy” or “insane” your words hurt others. Help your children understand that both our bodies and our minds require care.
– Katie Hurley, LCSW, author of No More Mean Girls and The Happy Kid Handbook

Let Them Talk About Their Fears

The American Psychological Association (APA) says it’s important to encourage your children to talk about their worries. All children, regardless of their age, benefit from knowing you are listening to them.

First, find out what they know and listen carefully for information that may be incorrect or exaggerated. Reassure them in a gentle, calm manner that schools and the community are increasing safety measures. If you know specifically how safety will be increased, share the information with them and remind them they are safe with you at home. Conversations about death and dying should never be avoided.

In the days following school shooting tragedies, it’s best to limit exposure to news coverage which can trigger additional stress and anxiety.

Safety, Security, and Healthy Psychological Development

Mass shootings are a first-line traumatic event that can potentially trigger post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in people who are directly exposed, as life and limb are under direct and violent threat.

Children, in particular, are even more vulnerable; multiple studies have shown that childhood trauma has more lifelong and pervasive effects on young developing psyches, both in terms of their psychological worldview and their physiological systems that handle stress and anxiety.

On a secondary level, the threat of mass shootings throughout schools is also damaging to mental health; safety and security are always paramount to a child’s healthy psychological development, and this constant anxiety and sense of danger will disrupt that sense of security, and put all children at risk of developing anxiety and mood disorders.
— Jean Kim, MD, Psycom Editorial Board Member, Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at George Washington University, and Medical Officer at the FDA

Look for Signs of Acute Stress

It is common for those affected directly and indirectly to have increased anxiety, nightmares, difficulty sleeping, resistance to school, inability to trust, uneasiness, depression, fear, a decline in academic performance, inability to fully express their thoughts and feelings, why questions, absence of feelings of safety and security, changes in eating habits, increased anger, hyper-vigilance, grief, loss, guilt, etc.

These symptoms and behavior may result in Acute Stress Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), and even delayed Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Mental health clinicians trained in trauma and grief can assist and support children and families during this time of healing.
– Melissa Dumaz, MS, LMFT, founder of uhelpyou.com

Fear Can Impact Focus

Mass shootings certainly contribute to heightened societal anxiety. And in a state of heightened anxiety, it becomes much harder to focus on the facts and create effective solutions.

When we’re afraid, we tend to distract ourselves, fight with each other, or avoid the problem altogether.

Therefore the challenge of every community is to figure out how to keep communicating with each other and create reality-based solutions to prevent mass shootings.
– Kathleen Smith, PhD, Psycom Editorial Board Member

Psychological Injuries May Not Appear Right Away

It is a sad time in our nation and the world. Living with a lack of security, school and supermarket shootings, a global pandemic, and recently a new virus is spreading–monkey pox.

Right now many of us feel vulnerable and afraid. Providers have seen related spikes in depression, anxiety, chronic grief, and suicide.

The levels of insecurity is likely connected to the increase in violence that often involves people with preexisting mental health conditions.

We can tackle this problem but only with more behavioral health providers and extra funding dedicated for psychiatric care. Poor mental health can lead to a whole series of issues that down the line impact well-being and stability.

Coping with loss is challenging but when that loss is unexpected and involves violence, the significance can be more complicated. Mass shootings do leave not only physical injuries but also psychological injuries that require healing.

For survivors who make it without any physical injuries, it takes a few months to assess the impact on their mental health adequately, but the trauma of a mass shooting can potentially result in post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, or other mental health issues.

Providing help and treatment to these people and their loved ones can ensure they recover successfully and significantly decrease the psychophysiological consequences.

While a lot of survivors may suffer from symptoms of trauma that include flashbacks, anxiety, sadness, insomnia, fear, and anger, these signs will start to fade over time as they start re-engaging in activities. However, for some, it may get worse leading to depression or PTSD.

It takes at least one month after the event to diagnose PTSD. Effective treatment options include psychotherapy such as cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and medications.

It is important to remember that we do not only need to support the affected people but also find a way to prevent future incidents. Assessing the cause of the events and how a person can harm so many people so easily proves the urgent need for gun reform.

Our children—the voices and minds of the future—have risen and voiced their demands for “stricter gun control laws” working in conjunction with mental health checks (psychosocial evaluations), background checks are necessary to reduce future shootings.

– Henry Montero, LMHC, CASAC, Alquimedez Mental Health Counseling, New York, New York.

When to Seek Therapy

Mass Shootings affect all of us, young and old. It’s so very important that we talk about these shootings openly and honestly with each other, and make sure that our children know they can come to us with any fears or concerns that they may be having as well.

When schools have active shooter drills, make sure your children talk to you about them afterward, as these can be very scary as well. If you or your children are feeling anxious and panicked throughout the day, therapy can be a helpful, safe place to talk about these fears and to learn ways to stay more present and grounded in your everyday life.

– Heidi McBain, MA, LMFT, LPC, RPT

Why It Takes A Village

When you look at all of the red flags from the shooter in Parkland, it is evident that there were many signs and various efforts to address his challenges. The hardest question to answer is, “Who is ultimately responsible for this child? How did he fall through the cracks like this?”

From what I’ve read there were various attempts throughout his lifetime, from his parents, his school, police, etc. to address issues as they arose, but it seemed no one was well enough equipped to handle the complexity of his case. How is an ordinary mother supposed to handle the complexity of serious mental illness of her adopted child after he found his dead father? Who is responsible for this child after she died unexpectedly? And why is it ok for such an obviously disturbed person to have a gun?

The bottom line is that even if parents are responsible for their kids, situations like these demonstrate that the support they need may not be sufficient.
– Jasmin Terrany, LHMC, Founder of jasminbalance.com

Generation Fear: American Kids Know Gun Violence

Hurley says our students are well acquainted with what it feels like to prepare for the threat of gun violence in what should be a safe place to learn and grow.

“They know what it’s like to say goodbye to friends far too soon. They know the fear that previous generations did not have to confront, and they are standing up to it. Support their efforts to participate in walks and other awareness-raising events,” Hurley says.

While it’s also important to rethink how kids, teens, and families can access mental health resources and what we can do as a society to actually combat bullying, Hurley says we can’t simply focus on one or the other and continue to shift blame.

“We need to do it all. Support better access to mental healthcare and tell your local, state, and federal officials you demand stricter gun control laws. Our children have something to tell us. It’s our job to listen, and learn from them,” she explains.

Resources for Families

The National Child Traumatic Stress Network has a downloadable pdf of experts tips specifically geared to discussing school shootings with your children.

Help Kids Cope is a free app designed by the University of California Los Angeles. The app helps parents understand how children of different ages respond to different disaster scenarios and provides sample language to use at the moment when a child is in distress. The app also includes audio clips of other parents’ experiences.